Dear Black Woman,
Where do I start?
I’m not trying to be a star.
This is my final straw to get this off of my chest to express, to digest this depress weight in writing.
Life can be a desert. Seeing an expectancy being dried up on a plate for a wasted dessert.
Trustworthy can be a man’s greatest worry.
Am I good enough?
How well can I treat you?
What will happen if I screw up?
Will you look at me differently?
Is me being a gentleman makes me feel as a doormat after opening the doors for you?
Is a relationship a one-way street where you are the prize and I am just there?
How will kids look up to me and fit my jacket size of my heart? My jacket with a hood that was concealed with lips sealed and zipped in quietness from an internal destruction from the fanfare of warfare of stereotypes, mis-treatments, and being unwanted as the black sheep.
We are the bastard child of the local churches.
The Bitter taste of the mustard seed of us, had us lose faith in our salvation of our foundation for Spiritual Rights and Heaven Citizenship to value our true identity in authority.
Our authority is endangered with injustice and unfairness in being mistreated by domestic authorities who were suppose to protect us and give us a fair shot.
Arrested with a delayed development in silence, I must remain silent. With a closed mouth, I can’t be fed.
With the feds tracking my every move I am lost out of my mind in sight in the middle of the rough concrete.
My soul is hushed and crushed.
We are lost in the streets, looking for a freak in the night, and seeking a light of a gang cult to feel affirmed to put a smile on our face for temporal gain.
Did I said gain?
But in our pain, we screwed up relationships between our legs with you like it was a game to prove that manhood was about gain of self worth.
But who taught us self worth,
When Dad wasn’t there to sit down to discuss the Image and Spiritual truths about relationships between man and woman?
How should a man look at a woman? How should a man pursue a woman?
How should a man treat a woman on a date night out?
How should a man lead a woman?
How should a man Spiritually and Mentally challenge her to bring out the best woman in her?
How should a man treat a woman when she has already found the legacy of a woman within her?
These are the conversations I did not have with Dad.
New babies out of the womb, wondering if they are going live long before they see the tomb? It hurts my heart with the anguish, hardships and challenges you have to go through to take care of our child single highhandedly.
No need to take the pills that will only kill my chance to say these words to you for the whole world to listen.
It is my dream to keep to become a better man.
It is my dream to capture to be the suitable man for you and what you building.
It is my dream of dreams to be the best Servant what God put me on earth
to subdue and have dominion on earth to disperse best resources for my myself,
for our children,
that produces common belief for believers call the church.
But after a dream, there must be a strategy to execute. Honestly, I don’t know where to start.
Maybe I should seek God to find the way, which is the only way to will meet each other’s paths.
May this pain won’t last long, I must I have a long life to live in these shorten days and night.
This my last night to come out from the room of my past dark daze.
This is the way I feel, seeing my true skin peeled to see true colors of my bloodline.
So be patient with me on the phone line.
Pray for me.
Have mercy on me.
Help me see the hands of God turn the hands of clock call time.
I rather let my words fly to transcend, than die in transition without finishing the thoughts of my end.
(C) Ter E Rucks 2020